Grief and Domestic Violence

Grief is a natural and predictable experience in the face of loss, but for survivors of domestic violence, there is often a stigma placed upon their grief and sense of loss of the relationship with their abuser and the life they had before seeking freedom. Acknowledging this grief is crucial, however, to creating healing and closure for survivors.

“While love cannot exist in the face of abuse, attachment most certainly can,” said Liz Brant, Chief Clinical Officer at WomenSafe. “Grieving this attachment, the fantasy that never quite met with the reality of the relationship, the loss of safety, loss of home, loss of family, loss of planned future, and loss of identity are just a few facets of grief that survivors face as they process the trauma of an abusive relationship.”

Making matters worse for survivors is that grief is often compounded by feelings of guilt and shame. “Self-confidence is compromised in survivors, and when this is combined with very understandable feelings of sadness about what was lost and what could have been, survivors can find themselves in destructive emotional cycles of grief, guilt and shame,” said Brant.

While many survivors seek the comfort of friends or family, feelings of grief expressed by a survivor of domestic violence can be met with lack of understanding.

“In the face of any kind of grief, many people immediately move to ‘this person should be over it: that happened last week, month, year, decade,’” said Brant. “Grief has a life of its own and our loss doesn't get wrapped up in a bow for us to put away.”

Similarly, well-meaning friends or family may not know how to respond when a survivor discloses abuse in their intimate relationship. “So many people ask, ‘Why did they stay? Why did they return? Why can't they stand up to their abuser?’” said Brant. “There are so many layers to the emotions, thoughts, feelings. These things take time to process and unpack, time and space our society is not willing to give.”

Brant advises that survivors seek out counseling, support groups and other qualified mental health supports as they begin to process and work through their feelings. WomenSafe offers free therapeutic services to all survivors, including individual counseling, EMDR therapy, facilitator-lead support groups, art therapy and more.

“We deprive our trauma of its power when we speak it aloud. The most important thing to know is that you are not alone,” said Brant. “There are many avenues for help and hope; accessing services at agencies dedicated to supporting domestic violence survivors like WomenSafe is a great place to start.”

If you have been impacted by domestic violence and need support, WomenSafe is here to help! Call the 24/7 COPEline at (888) 285-5665.